Ravuya's Articles!

Some people seemed to like the last one, so here is some more for you. Fear my ideas. Fear them! Also, if you make them, it would be really awesome to drop me a line. So I know where to send the police when they come asking.

• Jack Thompson: A violent videogame that helps you to fight against violent videogames! Go to courthouse challenges, and brutalize your enemies in whatever fashion you wish. Approved by Hilary Clinton!


• Politikart: Go-kart racing with everyone's favourite politicians throughout history! Unleash Chairman Mao's special Tiennamen attack, or use Stalin's Kart Of Steel to destroy your enemies by ramming them into the stands! Approved by the U.N.


• Slaughterhouse Tycoon: Run a slaughterhouse the way Mamma always wanted. Move animals, buy new equipment and keep neighborhood kids from gumming up the works with their frail bodies. Not approved by PETA, but who cares about them?


• Cannibals!: In the grand tradition of Sid Meier's Pirates!, this game allows you to live the exciting life of a cannibal in society. Trick people into your apartment, eat them, and gain their special powers!


• Swedish Visitor: Somehow, a Swedish supermodel has ended up in your bed, and you must get her the hell out of your apartment before your wife comes home. Unfortunately, she doesn't speak English! The possibilities are endless.


• Methanol: When notable moonshine experts sat down with our crack development team to try and build a game out of their rum-producing exploits, Methanol was born! Dodge the Feds and Johnny Law in your 1970 Dodge Dart while jumping defective bridges and stealing the heart of America. Don't go blind, dammit!


• Global Thermonuclear War: Sometimes the only way to win is not to play. But nuts to that! This game allows you to glass many of the world's hottest political spots, with often hilarious results! Released in Germany originally as "Das Parking Lot Ein Glassen".


• Squirrels: Lead your army of psychic squirrels against your enemies, eating their faces and stealing their souls. The only thing that can stop you is the mad Dr. Raven, who pursues you from Bolivia to Indonesia with syringe in hand. EGM called it "...abysmally poor...civilians in Bolivia...".


• Hackhack: The game of modern-day software engineering, Hackhack casts you as a cut-rate outsourced developer in a small third world nation. Name variables in a confusing fashion, move memory around with impunity and smash the operating system with off-by-one errors! Approved by Dell.


• FEAR of Flying: The expansion pack to the award-winning F.E.A.R. puts you as a special agent on a vacation flight to New York. Experience the slow motion powers of your expensive amplified reflexes as the stewardess asks you if you would like a drink, and horrific scenes in the cramped airplane lavatory.


• Hostages: You're a hostage in a dramatic hostage negotiation. Move around with your head inside a canvas bag, tap the ground and mumble incoherently with fear as your captors beat you senseless. Attempt to perform a dramatic escape, and likely get shot. Approved by the IRA.


• Garbage Collector: You've seen it in Java, and now you can be it! Move from segment to segment in memory, Hoovering dereferenced chunks. Can you defeat Captain Circular Reference without using too many cycles and save the day for your user's pitiful Pentium II?


• Grand Theft Auto: Podiatrist: Play as Dr. Marvin Foote, a podiatrist with a will to make it big in the mob wars. Commit unthinking acts of brutality, drive cars over people and their property with impunity, and make your day job appointments to inspect people's feet using the all-new FootTron 9000(TM) interface!


• Texas Hold Up: Play poker the way the cowboys did -- with a six shooter. Use hollow-tip or full metal jacket rounds to punish your poker buddies for ruining your streak, or just shoot random kitsch between matches. Play poker in many exciting environments -- prison, a garage, a kitchen, or even in an elevator! Unloading your weapons into your poker buddies has never been so much fun.


• Highway Robbery: Drive your 1983 Monte Carlo across Highway 101 and have a genuine American highway adventure! Loot rest stops, rob gas stations, threaten attendants, and lock horns with the Highway Patrol. That's not even counting the exciting highway surfing minigame!


• Boat Gnomes: Gnomes live in your 72-foot yacht. As a rich, powerful oil tycoon you can't possibly be insane. Toss your medication overboard and take them out with your harpoon gun! Regis Philbin voices Gnomy McGnomerton, the head gnome of your little psychotic gunfight.


• Two By Four: Carrying a chunk of maple, you must solve many puzzles in a realistic future warzone. Dodge military patrols, intelligence agency sadists and an entire platoon of Russian shoe salesmen. Upgrade your maple board to tree branches, oak sticks and other wooden whoppers to improve your killin' power.